by John Ryan
Figures in sports can be a lot of things when you see them in public. They can invoke a feeling of awe, and they can make you smile. They can elicit negative feelings when they blow you off, or they can make you change your mind about previously held perceptions. What they usually don’t do is horrify you. Think it can’t happen, you say? Well there are some examples: Mike Tyson in an ally way, Hollis Thomas in a buffet line, Nick Mangold watching a re-run of a fictional “Viking Quest” (doesn’t the guy look like a Viking?), or Sal Fasano on a beach sans shirt. But quite simply the most horrifying thing you could ever see are the following ten people leaving a bathroom stall sweating profusely with a newspaper under their armpit and moaning like Bing Crosby :
1.) Dennis Green: He looks like he could DESTROY a bathroom to the point of chasing people out. Imagine that great mustache dripping in sweat as he makes uncomfortable noises on his way out and then says to you, “That dump was what I thought it was!”
2.) Ichiro Suzuki: A power dumper if there ever was one. He would be done in under a minute, no doubt, but it would smell like a combination of Big Foot’s genitalia’s, and a diaper filled with shrimp that’s been rotting out in the heat for days.
3.) Yao Ming: Are they 12 inches long? 18? 24? I can’t keep thinking about his.
4.) Andy Reid: Remember those old Nike commercials with Dennis Hopper? (Side note: great last name for this column) The one where he says “Bad things man.” That’s what Andy Reid does to his hoppers.
5.) Dominick Hasek: 1.) Anybody named “The Dominator” is definitely scary in a Men’s Room, and 2.) Does he wear his mask when he goes? Yikes.
6.) Morris Chestnut: He’s the two-time defending Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Winner. Do I need to elaborate? He literally eats for a living. Mass quantities.
7.) Joe Paterno: He’s old, cranky and tightly wound. That’s never a good combination when speaking about your bowel movements.
8.) Prince Fielder: He’s the spawn of one of the most robust slugger’s of all time (Cecil Fielder) and is no slouch himself in that department. He also has mashed a ton of HR’s in his brief tenure in the majors, so I’m sure the Brewer teammates have somehow someway found a way to channel out the smell from the locker room after he’s done.
9.) Jared Lorenzen: Here are his nicknames, and you tell me if that’s enough data for you: 1.) The Pillsbury Throw Boy 2.) The Hefty Lefty 3.) The Round Mound of Touchdown. Not enough? Just watch his facial expressions. Imagine him when he has to push…
10.) Robert “Tractor” Traylor: Simply put, it would be gross!
After reading that Michael Phelps diet, you might have to add him to the list.
Once saw Troy Vincent’s father-in-law destroy a port-o-potty. Gross. It was one of the ugliest cold days of the year and he let out a BLAST of a fart in there while 10-15 drunk Eagle fans waited patiently in line for him to crap. Smelled like the Eagles locker room in there afterwards. But then again, stadium crappers are sub-standard anyways.
Anyone who uses the Johnny Crapper at a football game as ISSUES.